2000 Vauxhall Astra LS review from UK and Ireland

Please leave and make a cup of coffee before finding a comfortable chair to sit in to read this.

Lets see, to start off with we have front fog lights filling with water.

(Non) ABS faulty.

Gearbox refused to admit there was a third gear it there.

Power window (driver's side) screeching when parked in the sun.

Engine underside splash guard detached itself from the body, hitting a manhole and jamming itself between the car and the road.

More power window noise (same window).

Drove through a ford less than a foot deep, replacement engine splash tray detached itself while traversing the river and pushed a bow-wave in front of the car and the resultant locking of the engine when water was sucked into the air-intake. Waited a month for the new engine.

Radio uncoded when the vehicle was returned, waiting a further week for the code.

Both engines, new and original, drink oil like Keith Floyd on booze, apparently this is 'normal' consumption of 1 litre/1000 miles upto 18000 miles (that's a lot of oil).

Steering and suspension seriously out of alignment since delivery, fault corrected but has returned in less than a month.

Back brakes have a nasty habit of gently applying themselves, or not releasing themselves after braking, thus causing heat and illumination of the rear brake assemblies.

I think that covers most of it. There's been that much wrong with it, I've probably forgotten something.

Crap car. Would recommend anything else. Raising the standard? Rubbish!

Dealers generally unhelpful (except for Wilson and Co, Humberston. Thanks lads!) and pretty much useless. Three attempts at ordering the correct wiper blades. In the end I had to go back to the dealers, take the blades off myself and show them which ones I wanted! (Thurlby Motors, Louth - avoid like syphilis and dodgy maidens).